Marriage is a beautiful journey, but nobody warned us that the journey would include so many debates about the TV remote, the air conditioner and who finished the last piece of meat. Here are fifteen brand-new husband and wife jokes, served fresh from the Mairago kitchen. Share them with your partner, but please, laugh together, not at each other!

Jokes From the Kitchen

1. A wife asked her husband to help in the kitchen. He came in, tasted the stew, said “It needs more salt,” and left. She has now listed him on her CV as “Quality Control Officer, Unpaid.”
2. Husband: “Darling, what are we eating tonight?” Wife: “What did you buy?” Husband: “Ehn… let me go and check if the restaurant is still open.”
3. A man told his wife he would cook on Sunday to give her a break. On Sunday, he cooked indomie, called it “Chef’s Special Noodle Fusion,” and asked for a rating out of ten.
4. My wife said, “Count how many pieces of meat are in this pot before you touch it.” I said, “Why?” She said, “Because I already counted them.”

Jokes From the Living Room

5. The TV remote in our house has more security than the Central Bank. My wife keeps it in her handbag when she goes to the market.
6. Husband: “I want to watch the football match.” Wife: “Okay, after my Nollywood film.” Husband: “How long is the film?” Wife: “Part one to part six.”
7. A wife told her husband to turn off the AC because she was cold. Ten minutes later, she told him to turn it on because she was hot. He has now installed a chair beside the AC and calls it his “office.”
8. Husband: “Where is my car key?” Wife: “Where you kept it.” Husband: “If I knew where I kept it, would I be asking?” Wife: “If I knew where you kept it, would I not have told you?” The key was in his pocket the whole time.

Jokes From the Market and Money Matters

9. A wife told her husband, “I only want to go to the market to buy pepper.” She came back with pepper, two pairs of shoes, a blender and a new phone case for him. That last one was so he could not complain.
10. Husband: “Why did you buy another handbag?” Wife: “Because the old handbag was lonely.” He is still trying to understand that answer.
11. A man asked his wife how much she spent at the supermarket. She said, “Don’t worry, I used my money.” He relaxed, until he remembered they have a joint account.
12. My wife and I agreed to save money for December. So far, she has saved the receipts and I have saved the excuses.

Jokes From Everyday Married Life

13. Wife: “Do you notice anything different about me today?” Husband (sweating): “You… look happy?” Wife: “I changed my hairstyle.” Husband: “That is why you look happy!” Smart man. Very smart man.
14. A husband said, “I’ll be home in five minutes.” The wife started cooking, finished cooking, ate, washed the plates and was sleeping when he arrived. In Lagos traffic, five minutes is a feeling, not a measurement.
15. When we got married, my wife said, “What is mine is yours.” Last week, I asked to borrow her charger. She said, “Bring it back fully charged, with interest.”

Why We Laugh

The best marriages are full of these small, silly moments: the lost key, the hidden remote, the mysterious shopping bags. They are the stories you will tell your grandchildren one day, probably while still searching for the car key.

So tonight, read these jokes out loud to your partner. If they laugh, you have a happy home. If they don’t laugh, read them again slowly, and act them out. It works every time.

Which of these jokes sounds like your house? Share this with your spouse or your married friends, and drop your own clean husband and wife joke in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “London – Thames Barrier – August 2006 – No Barrier to Happiness” by Gareth1953 All Right Now, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source

Every Nigerian family has one. A group chat with a long name like “Adeyemi Royal Dynasty (Official)”, sixty-four members, three admins, and a profile picture of a grandfather who has been dead since 1998 but is still watching all of us. Our own is called “The Okafor Family Worldwide,” even though only one person lives outside Nigeria, and she has muted the group.

I decided to keep a diary of one week in the group. My therapist (my best friend Nkechi) said it would help me heal. Here it is.

Monday: The Flower Festival

At 5:02 a.m., Uncle Emeka posted his first “Good morning family” with a picture of sunflowers covered in glitter. By 5:30 a.m., he had posted it again, because he forgot he had posted it. By 8 a.m., three aunties had replied with their own flowers. One of them sent a picture of a cup of tea with the words “Blessed Monday” written in the foam.

By the end of the day, Uncle Emeka had posted “Good morning” thirty-one times. Some of them were sent at 9 p.m. Nobody asked questions. In the family group, “good morning” is not a time of day. It is a lifestyle.

Tuesday: The Breaking News Department

Aunty Ngozi forwarded a message saying that drinking warm water with lime at exactly 3:00 p.m. could make you “as strong as a Bentley.” The message had been forwarded so many times that WhatsApp had given it its own special label. Aunty Ngozi added: “Please share to 10 people or you are not serious about your health.”

My cousin Chidi, who studied Microbiology, typed a long, polite reply explaining that this was not true. It was four paragraphs long. Aunty Ngozi replied with one word: “Okay.” Then she forwarded the same message again an hour later. Chidi left the group. Uncle Emeka added him back within six minutes, with the message “Nobody leaves this family.”

Wednesday: Caps Lock Day

Grandpa’s younger brother, whom we call Papa Small, discovered the caps lock button. Every message he sent that day sounded like an announcement at the airport.

• “WHO IS COMING FOR CHRISTMAS.”
• “WHY IS NOBODY RESPONDING.”
• “I HAVE SEEN YOUR BLUE TICKS. I AM NOT A SMALL BOY.”

The scariest part is that Papa Small never uses question marks. So every question feels like a statement of judgement.

Thursday: The Accidental Voice Note

At 2:14 p.m., Aunty Chioma sent a forty-seven-minute voice note. The whole family panicked. Was it a family emergency? A wedding announcement? A new recipe?

Brave cousin Ifeoma volunteered to listen. After twenty minutes, she reported back: it was Aunty Chioma’s phone recording the inside of her handbag at the market. We heard her bargaining for pepper, greeting four people, and singing along to a song playing at a shop. The pepper seller won the argument, by the way.

Aunty Chioma later replied, “Who sent that voice note with my phone?” We are still investigating.

The Family Reaction

Uncle Emeka responded to the voice note with “Amen.” Nobody knows why. Uncle Emeka responds “Amen” to everything, including birthday pictures and the price of rice.

Friday: The Contribution Message

On Friday, the eldest uncle posted a long message about the family end-of-year meeting and asked everyone to contribute money for the “family development fund.” Suddenly, the group became as quiet as a library during exams.

Sixty-four members. Zero replies. Even the people who had been posting flowers since Monday went offline at the same time, like a coordinated military operation. The only response came from Uncle Emeka, eight hours later: “Good morning family.”

What I Learned From My Diary

1. The family group never sleeps, but it does go silent the moment money is mentioned.
2. You can mute the group, but you can never escape it.
3. Every “good morning” is sent with love, even the thirtieth one.
4. Behind all the flowers and forwarded messages is a family that keeps checking on one another. And honestly, that part is sweet.

Next week, I am going to try something brave. I am going to reply to Uncle Emeka’s flowers with my own flowers. Pray for me.

What is the funniest thing that has ever happened in your family group chat? Share this with your cousins and tell us your story in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Group of diverse people using smartphones” by Rawpixel Ltd, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source

If you have ever lived in a Nigerian compound, you know that the most dangerous words in the English language are not “We need to talk.” They are: “Landlord says all tenants should come downstairs by 7 p.m.”

That message landed on our compound WhatsApp group on Tuesday evening, with three exclamation marks and a voice note from Baba Landlord himself. The voice note was mostly background noise of a radio, but we managed to hear the words “emergency,” “water,” and “nobody should be absent.”

The Gathering of the Tenants

By 7:15 p.m., every tenant in the building had come downstairs carrying their own plastic chair, because Baba Landlord’s chairs are reserved for “important visitors.” We arranged ourselves in a circle like a village square meeting.

There was Mr. Okon from Flat 2, who always comes to meetings with a notebook and never writes anything. There was Madam Joy from Flat 4, who sells pure water and somehow brought a full bag to sell during the meeting. There was the young couple in Flat 6 who always look like they are planning to move out. And there was me, in my slippers, praying it would be short.

It was not short.

Agenda Item One: The Water Tank

Baba Landlord stood up, adjusted his cap, cleared his throat for a full minute, and began. “I have called this meeting because of the water tank.”

We nodded seriously. The tank had been leaking for two weeks, and the pumping machine made a sound like a goat with a cold.

“But before we talk about the water tank,” he continued, “let me talk about the gate.”

And just like that, we left the water tank. We would not see it again for the rest of the evening.

The Gate Debate

According to Baba Landlord, somebody had been leaving the gate open after 10 p.m. Everybody immediately looked at the young couple in Flat 6. The young couple looked at each other. Then the husband looked at the sky, like he was expecting a helicopter to rescue him.

Mr. Okon opened his notebook, looked at it, and closed it again. Madam Joy sold two sachets of water to the gate man.

How the Meeting Travelled the World

From the gate, we moved to the issue of people spreading clothes on the balcony “like a market.” From the clothes, we moved to the generator noise from Flat 3. From the generator, we somehow moved to the price of tomatoes, then to whose child kicked the football into Baba Landlord’s window in 2019.

At one point, Baba Landlord spent fifteen minutes telling us how he built the house with his own money, “one block at a time,” while we all nodded like students in a lecture we had heard many times before.

Madam Joy had sold her whole bag of water by then. She was the only person who made a profit from the meeting.

The Contribution Surprise

Then came the part every tenant fears. Baba Landlord brought out a small paper and announced that each flat would contribute money for “maintenance.” Mr. Okon finally wrote something in his notebook. It was the amount. He underlined it twice and sighed.

The Grand Ending

At 9:20 p.m., two hours and five minutes after we started, Baba Landlord said, “Okay, I think we have covered everything. Meeting adjourned.”

Somebody at the back whispered, “But what about the water tank?”

Baba Landlord paused. He looked at the tank on the roof. The tank looked back at him and dripped quietly.

“We will discuss it at the next meeting,” he said, and walked inside.

We all carried our plastic chairs back upstairs in silence, like soldiers returning from a long battle. As I climbed the stairs, the pumping machine started its goat noise again. Na so life be for compound.

What We Learned

• An “emergency meeting” can last longer than a Nollywood trilogy.
• Always bring your own chair, and maybe a snack.
• The agenda is just a suggestion.
• If you sell pure water, every meeting is a business opportunity.

What is the funniest thing your landlord has ever said at a tenants’ meeting? Share this with your compound group chat and drop your landlord stories in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Central Park Lake” by guillenperez, CC BY-ND 2.0, via Openverse — source

In Nigeria, your mechanic is not just a mechanic. He is a doctor, a counsellor, a detective and occasionally a philosopher. When your car starts making a strange noise, you do not call your best friend. You call “Oga Mechanic.” And when you get to his workshop, the same words come out of your mouth that have come out of millions of Nigerian mouths before you. Here they are.

The Opening Statements

1. “Oga, na small thing abi?”

This is not a question. It is a prayer. You are begging the universe to let the problem be a loose wire or a small screw. The mechanic looks at the engine for one second, sighs deeply, and says, “Make we first check am.” Your heart drops into your shoes.

2. “It was making one kind of sound.”

Then you try to imitate the sound. “It was going krrrr… then kpa kpa kpa… then small whistle.” The mechanic nods like he understands car language perfectly. Meanwhile, the apprentice is trying very hard not to laugh.

3. “It was working fine yesterday.”

Every car in Nigeria was working fine yesterday. The car decided to retire overnight without sending a notice.

The Negotiation Department

4. “How much last?”

The most important question in Nigerian economics. The mechanic gives you a price. You laugh like he told a joke. He laughs too, but his laugh means he is not joking.

5. “Abeg, don’t change anything you don’t need to change.”

You say this with the seriousness of a lawyer. Because you have heard stories. Stories of people who went to fix their headlamp and came back with a new gearbox, new tyres and a new mechanic’s phone.

6. “Make sure you give me the old part.”

You have no idea what you will do with a used brake pad. You will keep it in your boot for two years. But you need proof. Trust, but verify.

The Waiting Room Wisdom

7. “Will it be ready by evening?”

The mechanic says, “By 4 o’clock, it will be ready.” You arrive at 4 o’clock. The car is in the same position, but now the bonnet is open and the engine is outside, sitting on a mat like it is attending a picnic.

8. “I’m just going to branch somewhere, I’m coming back.”

You say this to escape the heat. You go and buy suya, gala, a bottle of water and a phone charger. You return two hours later. The mechanic is eating too. Everyone is at peace.

The Final Words

9. “So what exactly was the problem?”

The mechanic explains with a long technical speech: “Your plug dey misfire because of carburettor balance, and the fan belt don loose small, so the engine dey take too much load.” You nod slowly, understanding nothing, and say, “Oh, okay. I thought so.”

10. “If it does that thing again, I’m bringing it back o!”

You say this as a warning, as you drive away. The car makes the sound again before you even reach the junction. You reverse quietly. The mechanic is already standing there, waiting, with his spanner, like he knew.

A Toast to Our Mechanics

Jokes aside, Nigerian mechanics are some of the most creative engineers in the world. They can fix a car with a cloth, a nylon, a piece of wire and pure confidence. They keep our old cars running long after the manufacturers have given up on them. So the next time you visit your mechanic, buy him a cold drink. You might even get a discount. You won’t, but you might.

What have you said to your mechanic that is not on this list? Share this with that friend whose car is always “at the mechanic,” and add yours in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Karavan car mechanic” by MarcinMonko, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source

Whether you are in secondary school, university, or you graduated so long ago that your certificate has turned yellow, student life leaves memories that never go away. The night reading, the “carry over” fear, the friend who says “I didn’t read anything” and then scores an A. Here are fourteen fresh student jokes, written specially for you by the Mairago team.

Exam Season Jokes

1. A student told his mother he was reading for exams all night. She asked, “Then why is your phone at 2 percent and your textbook still has the shop’s nylon on it?”
2. My friend said he would read “one chapter per day” for the exam. The exam has twelve chapters. It is in three days. He is a believer, and I respect that.
3. Student: “Sir, will this be in the exam?” Lecturer: “Everything I teach is important.” Student (closing notebook): “So that is a no.”
4. During exams, the hall is so quiet you can hear a student’s brain loading. Sometimes you can even hear it buffering.
5. A student wrote in his answer sheet: “Please, sir, I know the answer, but I cannot remember it right now. Kindly award marks for effort.” The lecturer gave him one mark and wrote: “Effort noted. Knowledge missing.”

Lecturer and Classroom Jokes

6. When a lecturer says “this is my last slide,” that is the beginning of a new series. Season two, episode one.
7. Our lecturer said, “Feel free to ask questions.” The last person who asked a question is now the class representative.
8. A student came late to class and said, “Sorry sir, there was traffic.” The lecturer said, “You live in the school hostel.” The student said, “Yes sir, traffic at the bathroom queue.”
9. Group assignment rule: one person does the work, two people give advice, and the rest send “Well done, guys” on the group chat.

Hostel Life Jokes

10. In the hostel, if you hear someone frying plantain at midnight, you suddenly remember that you are friends with them.
11. My roommate borrowed my bucket “for one minute” in first year. I graduated last month. The minute is still running.
12. A student opened his provisions box and found only one sachet of milk and a note: “We were hungry. We are sorry. Signed, the whole room.”

Pocket Money Jokes

13. A student called his father: “Daddy, how are you? How is your health? How is work?” The father said, “Just tell me how much you need.”
14. When pocket money arrives, a student eats like a king for three days. On the fourth day, he discovers garri and starts calling it “a healthy lifestyle choice.”

Why Student Days Are the Best

Looking back, those were some of the most fun years of our lives. We had little money, plenty of friends, and an endless supply of stories. The lecturer who never ended class on time is now a funny memory. The roommate who borrowed your bucket is probably now a successful businessman, still with your bucket.

If you are still a student, enjoy it, read your books, and please, return your roommate’s bucket. If you have graduated, send this article to your old school friends and watch the memories flow back into the group chat.

A Bonus Thought for Parents

Dear parents, when your child says “I am reading,” please do not check their phone screen. Some things are better left as a mystery. Just send the pocket money and pray.

Which of these jokes reminded you of your school days? Share this with your classmates and drop your own clean student joke in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Lao student classroom picture.” by chaitea16oz, public domain, via Openverse — source

In most parts of the world, “five minutes” means three hundred seconds. In Nigeria, “five minutes” is a spiritual journey. It can stretch from a short walk to a full Nollywood film, and it has stages. After careful research (we waited for our friend Tobi for two hours last Saturday), the Mairago team has identified the eleven official stages of “I’m five minutes away.”

Stage One to Four: The Home Phase

1. Still in bed, scrolling

The person is lying down with one leg hanging off the bed, watching skits. Your call comes in. They answer with a fresh, energetic voice: “I’m almost there!” The blanket is still on them.

2. Looking for what to wear

The bed is now covered with clothes. Three outfits have been tried and rejected. They text you: “Traffic is crazy today.” The only traffic is in their wardrobe.

3. Taking a bath

You call again. They don’t pick up. Twenty minutes later, they reply: “Sorry, I was driving.” They were in the bathroom singing.

4. Searching for the car key

Everything in the house has been turned upside down. The key is eventually found inside yesterday’s trousers. This stage alone can take fifteen minutes and one argument with a younger sibling.

Stage Five to Eight: The Journey Phase

5. Finally leaving the house

They lock the door, walk to the gate, remember they forgot their phone charger, go back inside, find the charger, and leave again. They send you a voice note: “I’m on my way, I’m close.”

6. Stopping to buy fuel or “something small”

There is always a quick stop: fuel, recharge card, a bottle of water, or puff-puff from a roadside seller who refuses to be rushed. This stage is not mentioned to you at all.

7. Real traffic arrives

Now they actually meet traffic, and they send you a picture of it as evidence. “See it! Look at this road!” You are supposed to forget that they told you about traffic one hour ago when they were still in bed.

8. “I’m turning into your street”

This is the most famous lie in Nigerian history. They are not turning into your street. They are turning into a street that might one day lead to your street. Possibly.

Stage Nine to Eleven: The Arrival Phase

9. “Which gate again?”

They call to ask for directions, even though they have visited you seven times before. “Is it the blue gate or the black gate? Is it after the mosque or before the church?” You walk outside to wave at them like a traffic warden.

10. The parking negotiation

They finally arrive, but now they need to park. They reverse, move forward, reverse again, call you to come and guide them, and then decide to park somewhere else entirely.

11. The grand entrance

They walk in smiling, fresh and relaxed, and say the magic words: “Ah, you people have started without me?” You started two hours ago. The food is finished. The event is ending. But they are here, and somehow, everyone is happy to see them.

How to Survive a “Five Minutes Away” Friend

• Always tell them the event starts two hours before it actually starts.
• Ask for a live location, not a promise.
• Bring a snack while you wait. You will need the energy.
• Love them anyway. Every group has one, and if you can’t identify yours, it might be you.

To be fair, Nigerian roads and Lagos traffic do give everybody a genuine excuse sometimes. But we all know the difference between “traffic” and “I just woke up.” Your friend knows it too.

Tag that friend who is always “five minutes away”! Share this list and tell us in the comments: what is the longest you have ever waited for someone?

Featured image: Photo: “Early General Electric Colored Wall Clock” by alexkerhead, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source

Satire: this story is made up for laughs.

LAGOS — With the ember months in full swing and the whole internet already talking about December parties, concerts and “who is coming home,” a Lagos man identified only as Kunle has made history by starting a Detty December savings plan on Monday and officially giving up on it by Wednesday afternoon.

Experts are calling it the shortest financial plan in the history of Surulere.

The Bold Announcement

On Monday morning, Kunle posted on his WhatsApp status: “This December, I will enjoy like an ambassador. Savings starts today. No more unnecessary spending. Watch me.” The post was accompanied by a picture of a brand-new piggy bank, which he had bought for a price his friends described as “unnecessary spending.”

He also created a spreadsheet titled “Operation Enjoyment 2026,” with columns for concerts, owambes, new outfits, beach trips and “miscellaneous vibes.” The total target was so ambitious that the spreadsheet itself reportedly froze twice.

Day One: Strong Beginnings

Witnesses say Kunle started well. He skipped buying puff-puff on his way to work and dropped the money into the piggy bank with the seriousness of a man signing an oil deal. He walked to the bus stop instead of taking a keke, telling his neighbour, “This is how millionaires are made.”

At lunch, he ate the rice he brought from home and told his colleagues that he was “on a financial journey.” Two colleagues joined the journey immediately. One left by 3 p.m. after someone ordered shawarma.

Day Two: The Temptations

By Tuesday, the city began to test him. A new phone case appeared in his online feed. A friend invited him to “just one small hangout.” An aunty sent a voice note announcing an engagement party, with aso ebi prices attached.

According to sources close to the piggy bank, Kunle resisted most of these attacks. However, he did buy the aso ebi, explaining that it was “an investment in family relationships.” The piggy bank was not consulted.

The Data Problem

That evening, his data subscription expired. He stood in his room, staring at the piggy bank, and the piggy bank stared back. Eyewitnesses (his younger brother) say Kunle whispered, “It’s an emergency,” before gently shaking out enough coins to buy data. He then used the data to watch videos about saving money.

Day Three: The Official Retirement

On Wednesday, the end came quietly. A friend posted a flyer for an early “pre-December warm-up party” scheduled for October. Kunle stared at the flyer for a long time. Then he changed the title of his spreadsheet from “Operation Enjoyment 2026” to “Operation Enjoyment 2027.”

At a brief press conference held in his sitting room, attended by his younger brother and a curious cat, Kunle released a statement: “After careful consideration, I have decided to move my savings plan to January. January is a fresh start. The economy will be calmer. Me, I will be calmer.”

Asked about December, he said he would “flow with what God provides,” adding that his uncle usually visits on Christmas Day with envelopes.

Reactions From Across Lagos

• A financial adviser, speaking through a very long sigh, said, “We see this every year. People start saving in October for December, but October has its own plans.”
• The piggy bank, which now contains a single 50 naira note and a button, was unavailable for comment.
• Kunle’s mother simply said, “Did he buy the aso ebi? Then he is fine.”

The Mairago Lesson

If you are planning for the festive season, start small, be realistic, and remember: an aso ebi is not an investment, and a pre-December warm-up party in October is not a real event. Your piggy bank believes in you. Don’t let it down by Wednesday.

Have you started your own December savings, or has it already “retired”? Share this with your friends who are planning big for December and drop your own savings story in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Stethoscope and piggy Bank” by 401(K) 2013, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Openverse — source

Abuja, clear your calendar and warn your neighbours, because there is going to be serious laughter in the Federal Capital Territory next month. Abuja-based comedian Senior Man is set to headline her own solo comedy show, Shades of Senior Man, according to a report by ThisDay.

With a stage name like that, you already know she came to take charge of the microphone.

The Details You Need

Here is everything confirmed so far, straight from the report:

• Show: Shades of Senior Man
• Date: Sunday, November 15, 2026
• Time: 6 p.m.
• Venue: 3Js Hotel, Jabi, Abuja
• What to expect: Stand-up comedy and other live entertainment

ThisDay describes the event as one of her major solo comedy shows in Abuja, with comedy lovers and other entertainment stakeholders in the city expected to attend.

The report did not list guest performers, so if you were planning to show up just to see who else climbs the stage, you will have to wait for the official announcements like the rest of us. We are refreshing our feeds already.

Who Is Senior Man?

Senior Man’s real name is Okoye Florence Chisom. She was born in Enugu and is based in Abuja, which makes her a proud product of two cities that both take their jokes, and their food, very seriously.

She started her comedy career in 2022. In just a few years, she has performed at comedy and entertainment events in Abuja and other parts of the country, including Lagos and Port Harcourt. For a comedian, getting laughs in Lagos and Port Harcourt is like passing two very strict exams. Those audiences do not laugh “just because.” You have to earn it.

Her Style

According to the report, her performances are built on observational and relatable humour. That is the type of comedy where the comedian describes your own life back to you, and you laugh so hard you forget you are the one being described. Think about everyday things: transport, family, money, office life, all the small dramas that make Nigerian living so colourful.

Observational comedy is one of the hardest styles to do well, because the audience has to recognise themselves instantly. When it works, the whole hall turns to the person next to them and says, “That is you!” If you go to the show with your friends, be prepared for a lot of that.

Why This Is Good News for Abuja Comedy

Lagos often grabs the comedy headlines, so it is always exciting to see an Abuja-based act put her own name on a show in the capital. A solo show is a big step for any comedian. It means the person believes they can hold an audience for a full evening, and that the audience believes it too.

It is also great to see a female comedian taking the headline spot with her own name on the poster. More voices on stage means more stories, more styles, and more reasons to laugh.

Mairago’s Unofficial Guide to Attending

1. Arrive early. 6 p.m. in Abuja is not “Nigerian time” 6 p.m. Okay, it might be, but don’t risk it.
2. Do not sit in the front row unless you are ready to become part of the show. Comedians can smell a shy person from the stage.
3. Charge your phone, but also remember to actually watch the show and not only record it.
4. Laugh loudly. Comedians feed on laughter the way we feed on suya.

Mark the Date

So that is the gist: Shades of Senior Man, November 15, 6 p.m., 3Js Hotel, Jabi, Abuja. Keep an eye on her official pages for ticket details and any guest announcements, and we will share more updates as they become available.

Mairago TV loves to see emerging talents grow into headliners, and we wish Senior Man a full house and a night of nonstop laughter.

Are you in Abuja and planning to attend? Share this with your comedy-loving friends and tell us in the comments which comedian you would love to see headline a show next!

Sources

• ThisDay: Abuja Comedian Senior Man to Hold Major Comedy Show in FCT

Featured image: Photo: “Awaiting Comedy” by Silly Little Man, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Openverse — source

Welcome back to Ask Mairago, the advice column where no problem is too big, too small or too feathery. This week’s letter comes from a tired reader in Ibadan who has not had a full night’s sleep since the rainy season began.

This Week’s Letter

Dear Mairago,

Please help me. My neighbour, Mr. Adewale, bought a rooster three months ago. I don’t know where he found this rooster, but it is not a normal bird. It starts crowing at exactly 4:00 a.m. every day. Not 4:01. Not 3:59. Exactly 4:00, like it has a contract.

And it doesn’t crow once. It crows like it is leading a prayer meeting. There is an opening crow, a long middle crow, then a closing crow, and then, after a short break, it starts the second session. By 5 a.m., the dogs on our street have joined in. By 5:30, the baby next door is crying. By 6 a.m., I am awake, angry and confused.

I have tried earplugs. The rooster crows through them. I have tried sleeping with a pillow on my head. The rooster crows through the pillow. Mr. Adewale himself sleeps peacefully, because his room faces the other side. Mairago, what should I do? I am tired.

Signed,
Sleepless in Ibadan

Mairago Replies

Dear Sleepless,

First of all, take a deep breath. Then take a nap if you can, because you have clearly earned one. We read your letter at 4:00 a.m. just to feel your pain, and we can confirm: we heard a rooster somewhere in our own neighbourhood too. They are everywhere. They are organised.

Now, let us solve this problem, the peaceful Naija way.

Step One: Understand the Rooster

Your rooster is not your enemy. Your rooster believes it has a job. In its mind, it is the official alarm clock of the street, and it takes its work very seriously. Honestly, it is more committed to its job than half of us. Before you plan anything, give it a little respect. It wakes up early without coffee.

Step Two: Talk to Mr. Adewale, Kindly

The best solution is a friendly conversation. Don’t go to his gate with a long face and a list of complaints. Go with a smile, maybe some puff-puff, and say something like, “Good evening, sir. Your rooster is very talented. It is so talented that the whole street now wakes up at 4 a.m.” This compliment-complaint combo is very powerful. It is the jollof of diplomacy.

You can politely suggest that the rooster’s coop be moved to the back of his compound, or covered at night. Many roosters crow less when their space stays dark until morning. Mr. Adewale may simply not know there is a problem, since he is sleeping like a baby on his own side.

Step Three: Things You Should Not Do

• Do not record the rooster and play it outside Mr. Adewale’s window at midnight. This leads to a “sound war,” and nobody wins a sound war.
• Do not buy your own rooster for revenge. Now there are two roosters, and the street will hold a full choir rehearsal every morning.
• Do not try to “negotiate” directly with the rooster. We tried this once. The rooster won.

Step Four: Turn Wahala Into Opportunity

If all else fails, remember that the most successful people in the world wake up early. You are now one of them, whether you like it or not. Use those early hours. Exercise. Read. Pray. Start a business selling earplugs to your neighbours. In one year, you might be writing to us to say, “Thank you, rooster.”

Also, try going to bed a little earlier. If the rooster is your alarm, at least make sure you have slept enough before it starts its first session.

Final Words

Dear Sleepless, a good neighbour relationship is worth more than one peaceful morning. Be kind, be patient, and be smart. With a little conversation and a little puff-puff, we believe this rooster’s 4 a.m. crusade will soon be moved to a more reasonable time, or at least a more distant location.

Sleep well, when the rooster allows.

Love,
Mairago

Do you have a funny problem you want Mairago to solve? Share this with that friend who has a noisy neighbour, and drop your own silly problem in the comments. It might be next week’s letter!

Featured image: Photo: “Rooster Crowing” by radellaf, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source

Every Nigerian knows that an owambe has three sacred pillars: the aso ebi, the live band, and the cooler of party jollof. You can manage if the band arrives late. You can manage if your aso ebi tailor sews your sleeve like a parachute. But if the jollof cooler goes missing? Wahala don land.

That is exactly what happened last Saturday at Aunty Bisi’s 60th birthday party, and I was there to witness the whole drama with my two eyes and my one plastic plate.

The Disappearance

It was 3:47 p.m. The MC had just finished praying for the celebrant for twenty minutes, and the band was warming up. The serving girls marched out with five coolers of jollof, lined up like soldiers on parade. Everybody counted them. Nigerians at a party can count coolers faster than a bank cashier counts naira.

Then the MC called everybody to dance the celebrant in. We danced. We sprayed money. Uncle Tunde did his famous “leg work” that looks like he is stepping on an invisible cockroach. When we returned to our seats, there were only four coolers.

The silence that fell on that hall was louder than the speakers. Even the baby on Mama Ronke’s back stopped crying, as if he knew this was serious.

The Investigation Begins

Aunty Bisi’s younger brother, Uncle Femi, appointed himself Chief Investigating Officer. Nobody voted for him. He simply removed his cap, folded his agbada sleeves, and said, “Nobody is leaving this hall until we find that cooler.”

He started questioning people like a detective in a Nollywood film. “Where were you at 3:47?” he asked the DJ.

The DJ looked insulted. “Sir, I was playing music. You heard me. Everybody heard me.”

Next suspect: the serving girls. They swore by every grain of rice in Nigeria that they had brought out only five coolers and returned none. One of them pointed at the gate man. The gate man pointed at the photographer. The photographer pointed his camera at Uncle Femi and took a picture, which did not help the investigation at all.

The Prime Suspects

• Cousin Dayo: Arrived with a backpack. Who brings a backpack to an owambe? A man with a plan, that is who.
• Mama Caro from the next street: Nobody invited her, yet she was sitting at the high table.
• The rented generator boy: Kept disappearing behind the hall “to check the gen”. For forty minutes.

Searching the Evidence

Uncle Femi demanded to search Cousin Dayo’s backpack. Dayo opened it slowly, like a magician revealing a trick. Inside: a phone charger, a power bank, another power bank, and a small extension box. The man was not stealing jollof. He was running a mobile charging business at the party! He had already charged eleven phones at fifty naira per bar.

Mama Caro was cleared too. She had simply wandered into the wrong owambe because there were three parties on the same street, and she decided she liked our small chops better. Honestly, we respected her judgement.

Then everyone turned to look at the generator boy. He raised his two hands. “I no touch anything o! I just dey sleep small behind the gen.” Na so he confessed to sleeping on duty, but not to stealing rice.

The Shocking Twist

Just as Uncle Femi was about to call a family meeting to decide the punishment for an unknown criminal, Aunty Bisi herself walked in from the back room. She was holding the missing cooler.

“Why is everybody looking at me like that?” she asked.

It turned out the celebrant had kept that cooler aside for her church members, who were coming later. She did not want them to arrive and meet empty coolers like last year, when the choir sang three extra songs because they were too hungry to stop.

The whole hall burst out laughing. Uncle Femi quietly put his cap back on and went to sit down, as if he had never been the Chief Investigating Officer. The band started playing again. Cousin Dayo charged two more phones.

Lessons From the Jollof Investigation

1. Always count the coolers before you start dancing.
2. Never appoint yourself detective at a party you did not pay for.
3. If you see a cousin with a backpack, he might just be an entrepreneur.
4. When in doubt, ask the celebrant first. She knows where the rice is.

By the end of the night, everybody got food, the church members were happy, and Aunty Bisi danced until 9 p.m. in her second outfit of the day. All is well that ends with jollof.

Has anything ever gone “missing” at an owambe you attended? Share this story with your party people and drop your own owambe gist in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: "Party Nigerian jollof rice" by Halima Waziri, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Openverse — source