Every African mother is a full-time security agency, weather forecaster, finance minister and comedy legend — even when she is not trying to be funny. These are brand-new jokes, freshly cooked in the Mairago TV kitchen. Read them, laugh, then go and call your mum. She has been waiting since Tuesday.

The Classics, Remastered

1. I told my mum I lost my phone. She said, “Did you check where you kept it?” Mummy, if I knew where I kept it, it wouldn’t be lost. She went straight to the place and found it. I still don’t know how.
2. My mum’s slippers can travel faster than DHL. Same-day delivery, any part of the house, no tracking number needed.
3. When an African mother says “Come here,” the distance between you and her suddenly becomes the longest walk of your life.
4. I opened the ice cream container in our freezer. It was stew. I opened the biscuit tin. It was thread and needles. I opened my mum’s handbag. It was a full pharmacy, two receipts from 2014 and Bible tracts.
5. My mum says, “I’m not angry.” That’s how I know I should write my will.

Money, Money, Money

6. I asked my mum for N2,000. She asked, “Do I look like a bank?” Then she asked my dad for N20,000 in the same voice and got it. That’s not a mother. That’s an investment banker.
7. “We have food at home” is not a sentence. It is a national policy.
8. My mum keeps money for me “so I won’t spend it.” Since 2009. The interest rate is zero and the withdrawal date is “when you’re older.” I’m 31.

The Supernatural Powers

9. My mum can hear me roll my eyes from the next compound.
10. She doesn’t use Google Maps. She just says “turn by that place where they used to sell akara,” and somehow the driver finds it.
11. I told my mum I’m tired. She said, “Tired of what? At your age I was carrying water on my head, going to school, and cooking for eight people.” Mummy, how many hours were in your day?
12. My mum knew I was coming home late before I knew I was coming home late.

The Grand Finale

13. When visitors come, your mum suddenly calls you “my darling.” When they leave, you return to your original name: “This boy.”
14. I said, “Mummy, everybody is going to the party.” She said, “Are you everybody?” I said no. She said, “Then sit down.” Philosophy degree, completed in three seconds.
15. My mum called me and said, “Call me back, it’s important.” I called back. She said, “Did you eat?” That was the emergency. And honestly? That’s love.

Which one sounds like your mum? Tell us in the comments, add your own African mum joke, and share this with your siblings — they know.

Featured image: Photo: "Diversity" by markus119, CC CC0 1.0, via Openverse — source