In Nigeria, your mechanic is not just a mechanic. He is a doctor, a counsellor, a detective and occasionally a philosopher. When your car starts making a strange noise, you do not call your best friend. You call “Oga Mechanic.” And when you get to his workshop, the same words come out of your mouth that have come out of millions of Nigerian mouths before you. Here they are.

The Opening Statements

1. “Oga, na small thing abi?”

This is not a question. It is a prayer. You are begging the universe to let the problem be a loose wire or a small screw. The mechanic looks at the engine for one second, sighs deeply, and says, “Make we first check am.” Your heart drops into your shoes.

2. “It was making one kind of sound.”

Then you try to imitate the sound. “It was going krrrr… then kpa kpa kpa… then small whistle.” The mechanic nods like he understands car language perfectly. Meanwhile, the apprentice is trying very hard not to laugh.

3. “It was working fine yesterday.”

Every car in Nigeria was working fine yesterday. The car decided to retire overnight without sending a notice.

The Negotiation Department

4. “How much last?”

The most important question in Nigerian economics. The mechanic gives you a price. You laugh like he told a joke. He laughs too, but his laugh means he is not joking.

5. “Abeg, don’t change anything you don’t need to change.”

You say this with the seriousness of a lawyer. Because you have heard stories. Stories of people who went to fix their headlamp and came back with a new gearbox, new tyres and a new mechanic’s phone.

6. “Make sure you give me the old part.”

You have no idea what you will do with a used brake pad. You will keep it in your boot for two years. But you need proof. Trust, but verify.

The Waiting Room Wisdom

7. “Will it be ready by evening?”

The mechanic says, “By 4 o’clock, it will be ready.” You arrive at 4 o’clock. The car is in the same position, but now the bonnet is open and the engine is outside, sitting on a mat like it is attending a picnic.

8. “I’m just going to branch somewhere, I’m coming back.”

You say this to escape the heat. You go and buy suya, gala, a bottle of water and a phone charger. You return two hours later. The mechanic is eating too. Everyone is at peace.

The Final Words

9. “So what exactly was the problem?”

The mechanic explains with a long technical speech: “Your plug dey misfire because of carburettor balance, and the fan belt don loose small, so the engine dey take too much load.” You nod slowly, understanding nothing, and say, “Oh, okay. I thought so.”

10. “If it does that thing again, I’m bringing it back o!”

You say this as a warning, as you drive away. The car makes the sound again before you even reach the junction. You reverse quietly. The mechanic is already standing there, waiting, with his spanner, like he knew.

A Toast to Our Mechanics

Jokes aside, Nigerian mechanics are some of the most creative engineers in the world. They can fix a car with a cloth, a nylon, a piece of wire and pure confidence. They keep our old cars running long after the manufacturers have given up on them. So the next time you visit your mechanic, buy him a cold drink. You might even get a discount. You won’t, but you might.

What have you said to your mechanic that is not on this list? Share this with that friend whose car is always “at the mechanic,” and add yours in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Karavan car mechanic” by MarcinMonko, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source