Every African mother is a full-time security agency, weather forecaster, finance minister and comedy legend — even when she is not trying to be funny. These are brand-new jokes, freshly cooked in the Mairago TV kitchen. Read them, laugh, then go and call your mum. She has been waiting since Tuesday.

The Classics, Remastered

1. I told my mum I lost my phone. She said, “Did you check where you kept it?” Mummy, if I knew where I kept it, it wouldn’t be lost. She went straight to the place and found it. I still don’t know how.
2. My mum’s slippers can travel faster than DHL. Same-day delivery, any part of the house, no tracking number needed.
3. When an African mother says “Come here,” the distance between you and her suddenly becomes the longest walk of your life.
4. I opened the ice cream container in our freezer. It was stew. I opened the biscuit tin. It was thread and needles. I opened my mum’s handbag. It was a full pharmacy, two receipts from 2014 and Bible tracts.
5. My mum says, “I’m not angry.” That’s how I know I should write my will.

Money, Money, Money

6. I asked my mum for N2,000. She asked, “Do I look like a bank?” Then she asked my dad for N20,000 in the same voice and got it. That’s not a mother. That’s an investment banker.
7. “We have food at home” is not a sentence. It is a national policy.
8. My mum keeps money for me “so I won’t spend it.” Since 2009. The interest rate is zero and the withdrawal date is “when you’re older.” I’m 31.

The Supernatural Powers

9. My mum can hear me roll my eyes from the next compound.
10. She doesn’t use Google Maps. She just says “turn by that place where they used to sell akara,” and somehow the driver finds it.
11. I told my mum I’m tired. She said, “Tired of what? At your age I was carrying water on my head, going to school, and cooking for eight people.” Mummy, how many hours were in your day?
12. My mum knew I was coming home late before I knew I was coming home late.

The Grand Finale

13. When visitors come, your mum suddenly calls you “my darling.” When they leave, you return to your original name: “This boy.”
14. I said, “Mummy, everybody is going to the party.” She said, “Are you everybody?” I said no. She said, “Then sit down.” Philosophy degree, completed in three seconds.
15. My mum called me and said, “Call me back, it’s important.” I called back. She said, “Did you eat?” That was the emergency. And honestly? That’s love.

Which one sounds like your mum? Tell us in the comments, add your own African mum joke, and share this with your siblings — they know.

Featured image: Photo: "Diversity" by markus119, CC CC0 1.0, via Openverse — source

Electricity in Nigeria is like a visiting relative: you are happy when it comes, nobody knows when it will leave, and when it goes, the whole compound has something to say. Here is your official guide to what Nigerians say the very second NEPA takes light. (Yes, we know the name has changed. No, we will not be updating our vocabulary.)

The First Five Seconds

1. “AHHHHHH!” — Said by the entire street at the same time, in perfect harmony. No rehearsal. No conductor. Pure national talent.
2. “Just when I wanted to…” — Whatever you were about to do — iron your shirt, charge your phone, watch the penalty — NEPA was watching. NEPA always knows.
3. “Is it only us?” — Everybody rushes to the window to check if the neighbours have light. If they do, it becomes a personal matter.

The Investigation Phase

4. “Check if it’s our fuse.” — Dad sends you to the meter box with a torch that has been dying since 2019. You stare at the switches like you understand them. You do not.
5. “Who didn’t buy units?” — For prepaid meter families, this question can end friendships. Everyone suddenly develops amnesia.
6. “They said they will bring it back by 6.” — Who said? Nobody knows. It came from a cousin’s friend’s group chat. It is now gospel.

The Acceptance Phase

7. “Where is the rechargeable lamp?” — It is exactly where you left it: uncharged, because you were relying on NEPA to charge it. The irony is not lost on anybody.
8. “Off all the switches before they bring it back and burn everything.” — The most responsible sentence in any Nigerian home. Said by mum. Ignored by everyone.
9. “Oya, on the gen.” — Followed by twenty minutes of somebody pulling the starter rope like they’re rowing a canoe to Cotonou.
10. “Is there fuel?” — There is not. There is never fuel. The jerrycan is a decorative item at this point.

The Grand Return

11. “UP NEPA!” — When light returns, the joy is louder than a Super Eagles goal. Children dance. Adults forgive. For one beautiful moment, the nation is united.
12. “Quick, charge everything!” — Phones, power banks, laptops, the rechargeable lamp, grandma’s radio. Because experience has taught us one thing: this light did not come to stay. It came to greet.

Electricity may come and go, but the Nigerian sense of humour has never needed a generator. It runs on pure vibes, and it has never once taken light.

Which of these did you shout last time? Drop your own NEPA line in the comments and share this with that friend whose gen never starts on the first pull.

Featured image: Photo: “christmas watching candles dark” by Rachel Tayse, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source