Every Nigerian family has one. A group chat with a long name like “Adeyemi Royal Dynasty (Official)”, sixty-four members, three admins, and a profile picture of a grandfather who has been dead since 1998 but is still watching all of us. Our own is called “The Okafor Family Worldwide,” even though only one person lives outside Nigeria, and she has muted the group.

I decided to keep a diary of one week in the group. My therapist (my best friend Nkechi) said it would help me heal. Here it is.

Monday: The Flower Festival

At 5:02 a.m., Uncle Emeka posted his first “Good morning family” with a picture of sunflowers covered in glitter. By 5:30 a.m., he had posted it again, because he forgot he had posted it. By 8 a.m., three aunties had replied with their own flowers. One of them sent a picture of a cup of tea with the words “Blessed Monday” written in the foam.

By the end of the day, Uncle Emeka had posted “Good morning” thirty-one times. Some of them were sent at 9 p.m. Nobody asked questions. In the family group, “good morning” is not a time of day. It is a lifestyle.

Tuesday: The Breaking News Department

Aunty Ngozi forwarded a message saying that drinking warm water with lime at exactly 3:00 p.m. could make you “as strong as a Bentley.” The message had been forwarded so many times that WhatsApp had given it its own special label. Aunty Ngozi added: “Please share to 10 people or you are not serious about your health.”

My cousin Chidi, who studied Microbiology, typed a long, polite reply explaining that this was not true. It was four paragraphs long. Aunty Ngozi replied with one word: “Okay.” Then she forwarded the same message again an hour later. Chidi left the group. Uncle Emeka added him back within six minutes, with the message “Nobody leaves this family.”

Wednesday: Caps Lock Day

Grandpa’s younger brother, whom we call Papa Small, discovered the caps lock button. Every message he sent that day sounded like an announcement at the airport.

• “WHO IS COMING FOR CHRISTMAS.”
• “WHY IS NOBODY RESPONDING.”
• “I HAVE SEEN YOUR BLUE TICKS. I AM NOT A SMALL BOY.”

The scariest part is that Papa Small never uses question marks. So every question feels like a statement of judgement.

Thursday: The Accidental Voice Note

At 2:14 p.m., Aunty Chioma sent a forty-seven-minute voice note. The whole family panicked. Was it a family emergency? A wedding announcement? A new recipe?

Brave cousin Ifeoma volunteered to listen. After twenty minutes, she reported back: it was Aunty Chioma’s phone recording the inside of her handbag at the market. We heard her bargaining for pepper, greeting four people, and singing along to a song playing at a shop. The pepper seller won the argument, by the way.

Aunty Chioma later replied, “Who sent that voice note with my phone?” We are still investigating.

The Family Reaction

Uncle Emeka responded to the voice note with “Amen.” Nobody knows why. Uncle Emeka responds “Amen” to everything, including birthday pictures and the price of rice.

Friday: The Contribution Message

On Friday, the eldest uncle posted a long message about the family end-of-year meeting and asked everyone to contribute money for the “family development fund.” Suddenly, the group became as quiet as a library during exams.

Sixty-four members. Zero replies. Even the people who had been posting flowers since Monday went offline at the same time, like a coordinated military operation. The only response came from Uncle Emeka, eight hours later: “Good morning family.”

What I Learned From My Diary

1. The family group never sleeps, but it does go silent the moment money is mentioned.
2. You can mute the group, but you can never escape it.
3. Every “good morning” is sent with love, even the thirtieth one.
4. Behind all the flowers and forwarded messages is a family that keeps checking on one another. And honestly, that part is sweet.

Next week, I am going to try something brave. I am going to reply to Uncle Emeka’s flowers with my own flowers. Pray for me.

What is the funniest thing that has ever happened in your family group chat? Share this with your cousins and tell us your story in the comments!

Featured image: Photo: “Group of diverse people using smartphones” by Rawpixel Ltd, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source