Welcome back to Ask Mairago, the advice column where no problem is too big, too small or too feathery. This week’s letter comes from a tired reader in Ibadan who has not had a full night’s sleep since the rainy season began.

This Week’s Letter

Dear Mairago,

Please help me. My neighbour, Mr. Adewale, bought a rooster three months ago. I don’t know where he found this rooster, but it is not a normal bird. It starts crowing at exactly 4:00 a.m. every day. Not 4:01. Not 3:59. Exactly 4:00, like it has a contract.

And it doesn’t crow once. It crows like it is leading a prayer meeting. There is an opening crow, a long middle crow, then a closing crow, and then, after a short break, it starts the second session. By 5 a.m., the dogs on our street have joined in. By 5:30, the baby next door is crying. By 6 a.m., I am awake, angry and confused.

I have tried earplugs. The rooster crows through them. I have tried sleeping with a pillow on my head. The rooster crows through the pillow. Mr. Adewale himself sleeps peacefully, because his room faces the other side. Mairago, what should I do? I am tired.

Signed,
Sleepless in Ibadan

Mairago Replies

Dear Sleepless,

First of all, take a deep breath. Then take a nap if you can, because you have clearly earned one. We read your letter at 4:00 a.m. just to feel your pain, and we can confirm: we heard a rooster somewhere in our own neighbourhood too. They are everywhere. They are organised.

Now, let us solve this problem, the peaceful Naija way.

Step One: Understand the Rooster

Your rooster is not your enemy. Your rooster believes it has a job. In its mind, it is the official alarm clock of the street, and it takes its work very seriously. Honestly, it is more committed to its job than half of us. Before you plan anything, give it a little respect. It wakes up early without coffee.

Step Two: Talk to Mr. Adewale, Kindly

The best solution is a friendly conversation. Don’t go to his gate with a long face and a list of complaints. Go with a smile, maybe some puff-puff, and say something like, “Good evening, sir. Your rooster is very talented. It is so talented that the whole street now wakes up at 4 a.m.” This compliment-complaint combo is very powerful. It is the jollof of diplomacy.

You can politely suggest that the rooster’s coop be moved to the back of his compound, or covered at night. Many roosters crow less when their space stays dark until morning. Mr. Adewale may simply not know there is a problem, since he is sleeping like a baby on his own side.

Step Three: Things You Should Not Do

• Do not record the rooster and play it outside Mr. Adewale’s window at midnight. This leads to a “sound war,” and nobody wins a sound war.
• Do not buy your own rooster for revenge. Now there are two roosters, and the street will hold a full choir rehearsal every morning.
• Do not try to “negotiate” directly with the rooster. We tried this once. The rooster won.

Step Four: Turn Wahala Into Opportunity

If all else fails, remember that the most successful people in the world wake up early. You are now one of them, whether you like it or not. Use those early hours. Exercise. Read. Pray. Start a business selling earplugs to your neighbours. In one year, you might be writing to us to say, “Thank you, rooster.”

Also, try going to bed a little earlier. If the rooster is your alarm, at least make sure you have slept enough before it starts its first session.

Final Words

Dear Sleepless, a good neighbour relationship is worth more than one peaceful morning. Be kind, be patient, and be smart. With a little conversation and a little puff-puff, we believe this rooster’s 4 a.m. crusade will soon be moved to a more reasonable time, or at least a more distant location.

Sleep well, when the rooster allows.

Love,
Mairago

Do you have a funny problem you want Mairago to solve? Share this with that friend who has a noisy neighbour, and drop your own silly problem in the comments. It might be next week’s letter!

Featured image: Photo: “Rooster Crowing” by radellaf, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source