In most parts of the world, “five minutes” means three hundred seconds. In Nigeria, “five minutes” is a spiritual journey. It can stretch from a short walk to a full Nollywood film, and it has stages. After careful research (we waited for our friend Tobi for two hours last Saturday), the Mairago team has identified the eleven official stages of “I’m five minutes away.”
Stage One to Four: The Home Phase
1. Still in bed, scrolling
The person is lying down with one leg hanging off the bed, watching skits. Your call comes in. They answer with a fresh, energetic voice: “I’m almost there!” The blanket is still on them.
2. Looking for what to wear
The bed is now covered with clothes. Three outfits have been tried and rejected. They text you: “Traffic is crazy today.” The only traffic is in their wardrobe.
3. Taking a bath
You call again. They don’t pick up. Twenty minutes later, they reply: “Sorry, I was driving.” They were in the bathroom singing.
4. Searching for the car key
Everything in the house has been turned upside down. The key is eventually found inside yesterday’s trousers. This stage alone can take fifteen minutes and one argument with a younger sibling.
Stage Five to Eight: The Journey Phase
5. Finally leaving the house
They lock the door, walk to the gate, remember they forgot their phone charger, go back inside, find the charger, and leave again. They send you a voice note: “I’m on my way, I’m close.”
6. Stopping to buy fuel or “something small”
There is always a quick stop: fuel, recharge card, a bottle of water, or puff-puff from a roadside seller who refuses to be rushed. This stage is not mentioned to you at all.
7. Real traffic arrives
Now they actually meet traffic, and they send you a picture of it as evidence. “See it! Look at this road!” You are supposed to forget that they told you about traffic one hour ago when they were still in bed.
8. “I’m turning into your street”
This is the most famous lie in Nigerian history. They are not turning into your street. They are turning into a street that might one day lead to your street. Possibly.
Stage Nine to Eleven: The Arrival Phase
9. “Which gate again?”
They call to ask for directions, even though they have visited you seven times before. “Is it the blue gate or the black gate? Is it after the mosque or before the church?” You walk outside to wave at them like a traffic warden.
10. The parking negotiation
They finally arrive, but now they need to park. They reverse, move forward, reverse again, call you to come and guide them, and then decide to park somewhere else entirely.
11. The grand entrance
They walk in smiling, fresh and relaxed, and say the magic words: “Ah, you people have started without me?” You started two hours ago. The food is finished. The event is ending. But they are here, and somehow, everyone is happy to see them.
How to Survive a “Five Minutes Away” Friend
- Always tell them the event starts two hours before it actually starts.
- Ask for a live location, not a promise.
- Bring a snack while you wait. You will need the energy.
- Love them anyway. Every group has one, and if you can’t identify yours, it might be you.
To be fair, Nigerian roads and Lagos traffic do give everybody a genuine excuse sometimes. But we all know the difference between “traffic” and “I just woke up.” Your friend knows it too.
Tag that friend who is always “five minutes away”! Share this list and tell us in the comments: what is the longest you have ever waited for someone?
Featured image: Photo: “Early General Electric Colored Wall Clock” by alexkerhead, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source
