Marriage is a beautiful journey, but nobody warned us that the journey would include so many debates about the TV remote, the air conditioner and who finished the last piece of meat. Here are fifteen brand-new husband and wife jokes, served fresh from the Mairago kitchen. Share them with your partner, but please, laugh together, not at each other!
Jokes From the Kitchen
- A wife asked her husband to help in the kitchen. He came in, tasted the stew, said “It needs more salt,” and left. She has now listed him on her CV as “Quality Control Officer, Unpaid.”
- Husband: “Darling, what are we eating tonight?” Wife: “What did you buy?” Husband: “Ehn… let me go and check if the restaurant is still open.”
- A man told his wife he would cook on Sunday to give her a break. On Sunday, he cooked indomie, called it “Chef’s Special Noodle Fusion,” and asked for a rating out of ten.
- My wife said, “Count how many pieces of meat are in this pot before you touch it.” I said, “Why?” She said, “Because I already counted them.”
Jokes From the Living Room
- The TV remote in our house has more security than the Central Bank. My wife keeps it in her handbag when she goes to the market.
- Husband: “I want to watch the football match.” Wife: “Okay, after my Nollywood film.” Husband: “How long is the film?” Wife: “Part one to part six.”
- A wife told her husband to turn off the AC because she was cold. Ten minutes later, she told him to turn it on because she was hot. He has now installed a chair beside the AC and calls it his “office.”
- Husband: “Where is my car key?” Wife: “Where you kept it.” Husband: “If I knew where I kept it, would I be asking?” Wife: “If I knew where you kept it, would I not have told you?” The key was in his pocket the whole time.
Jokes From the Market and Money Matters
- A wife told her husband, “I only want to go to the market to buy pepper.” She came back with pepper, two pairs of shoes, a blender and a new phone case for him. That last one was so he could not complain.
- Husband: “Why did you buy another handbag?” Wife: “Because the old handbag was lonely.” He is still trying to understand that answer.
- A man asked his wife how much she spent at the supermarket. She said, “Don’t worry, I used my money.” He relaxed, until he remembered they have a joint account.
- My wife and I agreed to save money for December. So far, she has saved the receipts and I have saved the excuses.
Jokes From Everyday Married Life
- Wife: “Do you notice anything different about me today?” Husband (sweating): “You… look happy?” Wife: “I changed my hairstyle.” Husband: “That is why you look happy!” Smart man. Very smart man.
- A husband said, “I’ll be home in five minutes.” The wife started cooking, finished cooking, ate, washed the plates and was sleeping when he arrived. In Lagos traffic, five minutes is a feeling, not a measurement.
- When we got married, my wife said, “What is mine is yours.” Last week, I asked to borrow her charger. She said, “Bring it back fully charged, with interest.”
Why We Laugh
The best marriages are full of these small, silly moments: the lost key, the hidden remote, the mysterious shopping bags. They are the stories you will tell your grandchildren one day, probably while still searching for the car key.
So tonight, read these jokes out loud to your partner. If they laugh, you have a happy home. If they don’t laugh, read them again slowly, and act them out. It works every time.
Which of these jokes sounds like your house? Share this with your spouse or your married friends, and drop your own clean husband and wife joke in the comments!
Featured image: Photo: “London – Thames Barrier – August 2006 – No Barrier to Happiness” by Gareth1953 All Right Now, CC BY 2.0, via Openverse — source
